Clive And The Attack Of Ride On And Lawnmower
by Skylark Starflower
Summary: The very strange sequel to Clive and the Attack Of The Deranged Weedwhacker. There's not much I can say about this that could possibly explain it, so read on.


Author's note/Disclaimer:  I don't own WA 3, it belongs to Media Vision/Sony.  I also do not own the references to Trigun, FF VII, or the Matrix, which inspired a Florina fight scene.  ^_^ Oh, yeah, and I also don't own Monty Python's Flying Circus, which inspired the …well, you should see when you get there if you've ever seen the show.  ^________^

Well, here's the sequel to CatAotDW.  ^_^ Cute initials.  It wasn't meant to be, originally, but then people asked for it, and who am I to deny the fans?  ^_^ So enjoy this much insane ficcy.  In the proud tradition of cheesy sequels, I now give you:

**"Something Retarded"**

**or**

**"Clive And The Attack Of Ride On And Lawnmower"**

**Written by Skylark Starflower**

**Started June 12, 2003**

**Finished June 17, 2003**

                Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, stuff was happening.  It was strange and exciting stuff.  Intriguing stuff.  Amazing stuff.  Too bad none of it has anything to do with the story I am about to impart to you.

                Ah, Filgaia.  It's a wonderful planet to visit, especially if you're fond of sunburns and skin cancer.  But anyway…

                Several months had passed on the wasteland planet since the first discovery of lawn care equipment at Fila del Fia, and Lawnmower Mania was now sweeping the place.  Not that the people of Filgaia needed it, but they wanted it anyway.  Idiots.

                It was at Jolly Roger that they decided to hold the first ever Lawn Show.  Our four heroes decided that it would be appropriate to put in an appearance.

                So they did.

                "Hey!"  Gallows slapped Clive's hand away from a large ride on lawnmower, as the green haired sniper was about to touch it.  "We don't need anymore insane weedwhackers running around!"

                "How was I to know it would do that?" sulked Clive as the group moved on.

                It had taken several weeks for Clive's hair to make a full recovery of the trauma the attack had put it through, and Clive had no desire to repeat the experience.

                But little did he know…

                …

                MWA HAA HAA HAAAA!!! *Hack cough*

*        *        *

                Later that night, after the show had closed to the public, two machines sat in conversation.

                How were they alive, you ask, if Clive never touched them?  This I say to you:  "Plot consistency?  What's that?"

                "So, the Drifter with the green hair and red coat is the one?" asked the ride on lawnmower.

                "Yes… we will make our move when he has arrived at the Baskar Colony," replied another lawnmower, this one not of the riding variety.  "Then we avenge our cousin, Weedwhacker!"

                "Let's be on our way."

                And they got moving.  I mean, of course they did.  If they didn't, we'd have a pretty short and boring story, now wouldn't we?

*        *        *

                Splash!

                "Argh!  Granny!  That's not fair!  You have wings!"

                Halle flew down and landed next to Gallows, placing her other water balloon on the ground.  "So do you," she smirked, "you just choose not to use them."

                "What are you talking about?"

                Halle rolled her eyes and smacked her idiot grandson upside the head.  "Chowder head!  I'm talking about your dragon!"

                "Oh, right.  Like we're just gonna fly Lombardia into the middle of town!  She'd crush the place!"

                _Excuse me?_ Came the voice of the dragon, directly into Gallows' mind.  He and everyone else turned to the entrance of town.  There was Lombardia, glaring down at the young Baskar.

                "Are you calling me fat?" she asked aloud.

                Gallows quailed under the dragon's stare.  "N-no ma'am!  I was just saying the you wouldn't fit into town due to your massive size!"

                Lombardia roared her anger and shifted into Areomech mode.  She then proceeded to chase a screaming Gallows around, firing her missiles at him.  The others sweatdropped.

                "Heh.  Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned," mumbled Virginia.

                "Yeah, especially if that woman happens to be a dragon," added Jet.

                Then they all stood around and watched the spectacle for a while, because none of them had anything better to do.  And because it was quite entertaining.  I mean, come on, wouldn't you love to watch Gallows get chased around by an irate dragon?  I would be fun, not to mention funny!

                Um, yeah.

                Eventually, this exhibition got boring, and that was when Ride On and Lawnmower decided to show up.

                Clive slapped his forehead.  "Not again…"

                "We have come to avenge our cousin, Weedwhacker, so say your prayers!" yelled Ride On.

                "Wait a minute.  How can you be alive when Clive never touched you?" asked Virginia.

                "Simple," replied Lawnmower, "the plot, or rather, lack thereof, requires it!"

                *BOOM*

                "I think Lombardia just took out the forth wall," said Jet.

                And indeed she had.  They had a lovely evening out, going to the finest restaurant in town, and then to the classiest theater to see a play.  …Or not.  Right.

                I now return you to your regularly scheduled story.

                Florina lifted a large hoe from her tool shed, turned and…  Oh, dear.  It seems we skipped a little too far ahead.  Rewind!  [Insert rewind noise here.]

                Clive just stood there for a moment, blinking.  Then he turned and ran, screaming.

                "Get him!" yelled Lawnmower, and the two pieces of lawn care equipment began chasing Clive all over Filgaia.  Remember:  Anything is possible in Fanfic!

                It took him a while to get there, but Clive ran into the Secret Garden and hid behind a tree, panting.  Florina looked up from her flowerbeds to stare at him.

                "Would you like something?" she asked.

                Not hearing her, Clive muttered, "Good, I believe I have lost them."  Then he noticed Florina.  "Oh, uh, hello."

                Neither of them had a chance to say anything before Ride On and Lawnmower arrived, barreling through Florina's flowers.  Of course, once again, my idiot spellchecker says that should read: Both of them had a chance to say anything before Ride On and Lawnmower arrived, barreling through Florina's flowers.  Once again, oh yeah!  Bad grammar checkers rule!  And always remember, sarcasm is your friend.

                "NOOO!  My flowers!"  Florina lifted a large hoe from her tool shed, turned and brandished it at Ride On and Lawnmower.

                "You killed my flowers and now you must pay!"

                The two pieces of equipment exchanged looks and burst out laughing.  Florina grit her teeth and went into action.

                With an array of moves that would leave even the most advanced martial artist weeping, the young girl leveled the two machines in a matter of moments.  Clive stared at her in open-mouthed shock as she stood over the smoking remains of Ride On and Lawnmower.  He jumped back in surprise as she leveled the hoe at him.

                "Why did you lead them here?  What are your evil intentions?" she demanded.

                "What!?  I had nothing to do with it!  They were trying to kill me!  AGHHH!!!!"

                Clive ran, screaming, as the flower girl - not Aeris.  She's dead.  Dead, dead, dead - chased him.  But not all over Filgaia this time.  Just back to Baskar.  Well, what was left of it, anyway, now that Lombardia had flattened most of it trying to shoot Gallows.

                Florina finally caught up with Clive and was about to kick his butt when a gigantic foot descended from above, squishing her flat.

                Lombardia stopped her rampage and lifted her foot, making a face.  "Ew," she said, and scraped the gooey mess from the bottom of her foot.

                "Geez, Clive, you're worse than Vash the Stampede!" yelled Gallows before he continued to run as Lombardia resumed chasing him.  Clive face palmed.

                "Why me?" he moaned.

The end 

Just to let you all know I have nothing against Florina.  I guess I was just in a Monty Python mindset when I came up with that bit.  ^_^ Anyway, there ya go.  My cheesy ass sequel.  Remember, lemme know what ya thought!  ^_^


End file.
